Here I Go Again

Alrighty Then!!

So here it is.

September 3, 2011, and what has happened this year?  A tumultuous emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns, and a bunch of gut wrenching upsets.  But what do I plan to do about it?  Well this is where friends have stepped in and inadvertently given me a wake up call so to speak.  They don't know it, but an intervention has taken place.  I kicked and screamed and took a good long hard look at myself and decided that enough was enough.  I have said this before but I am saying it again with a renewed sense of determination.

Starting Over Weight: 169.5

I will lose this weight.  I will feel better.  I will live a long and happy healthy life. 

Here's the plan.  Signed back up for the Weight Watchers online plan.  Okay....I know I've done that before.  Listen people.  I know it works.  I am the problem.  I need someone to motivate me, kick me in the butt so to speak.  I now have that, so online should work.  I tried the meetings up until last week.  Hated them.  Why, when they have worked so well in the past?  It's all about the coach.  I need someone who is going to make me feel like I need to work hard and I was not getting that from the meetings.  So goodbye to Loony Loni and her tales of mediocre melodramas.  I am on to conquer my gluttony with friends and family supporting me and getting me through this.

So I will be keeping my nasty starting picture hidden for now, but that will be my personal motivation as well as the cunning Ms. Connie to help me.  That woman has lit a fire under me, and I don't think she even realized it   My good friend and neighbor Janel is also a great support.  She keeps my competitive fire lit.  William my sweet and adoring husband and I plan to move forward together. 

Here is the plan.

Walk, walk some more, and then walk again.  I have my treadmill and I have the outdoors.  The choice will be whether to go outside or walk inside.  We are getting a new puppy in two weeks. 

It's a boxer and if you know anything about that breed you know that they are very active.  So she will be my fitness companion for my walks.  I plan to walk her at least twice a day.  She will go with me in the morning for a 10-15 minute walk outside for a little while, since she is so young she won't be able to handle my hour long walks for a few months, but that will come in time.  That poor dog will be worn out.  After our little morning warm up I will hit the treadmill for at least 45 minutes to an hour.  Then we will have an afternoon training session.  Dinner will be followed up with another family walk. 

Next Part of the plan......TRACK!!!!!  I love Weight Watchers' tools.  They are fantastic.  I am so happy to go back to the online plan.  I missed the tools terribly.  So I am extremely happy to have them back. 

So this week, is just me getting back into the swing of things.

Dissapointed, Discouraged, Yet Determined!

This week really started off on a high note.....I thought that after last weeks accomplishment this week would be just as easy.  I feel I was a little misty eyed. 

Starting Weight: 177.8

Today's Weight 171.4

Loss This week:  .8

Total Loss:  6.5

Although I haven't had any mishaps.  No binges, no late night sneaks (which were really never my problem), No eating after 9:00.  The progress seems to be slower than I would like, or rather than I am used to.  When I did WW before, it seemed like the weight would just fall off.  However, I think because I am older it's not happening as easily or as fast.  Part of it could be my metabolism slowing down, which I have tried to pick back up with making sure I drink plenty of water and no skipping meals, but yet my body is sluggish when it comes to wanting to let go of this weight that I am so anxious to unload.  Another contributor to my slow progress is my lack of muscle tone.  I have let my body go to a state of pure fluff so to speak, and the muscles are taking a little while remembering that I actually used to be pretty fit.

I looked at my past weight loss history from the first journey of 50 pounds and found that it has a similar pattern. Two weeks of a minimal weight loss with a spike of 3-5 pounds in a week.  And I lost that weight in just nine months time.  So after attending my "AA" Meeting which is more like "WW" meeting.  I feel encouraged and feel that I must keep moving forward.  I must learn to be patient.  Things will happen at the pace that is good for my body. 

I already feel better.  My "fat" jeans fit me better.  I look forward to fitting into my size 6 clothes that I have,  but for now I am content with feeling good. 

 My weight loss buddie, my husband, is also having success.  Together we have lost 13 lbs.  He had an idea yesterday that involved us putting a dollar into a jar for every pound that we lose and when we reach goal taking that money to do something fun.  Another motivator.     

So I am ready for another week to vanquish. 

Moving Into Stillness - Loudly

Well this was a good week.

New Beginning: 177.8 lbs

Current Weight: 172.4 lbs

Loss this week: 5.4 lbs

So as you can see so far so good.  I stuck to my plan.  I went to Weight Watchers and started over.  Some of me resists the idea of going to those meetings.  My resistance stems from the sense of pride that I have deep within that rises to the surface when I sit in those meetings.  It's not a good pride, it's a bad pride.  The instructor, we'll call her Loony Loni, is a very sweet woman, but really is just well......loony. 

I have a really hard time taking instruction from her, because she isn't teaching me anything new and interesting.  The classes are all a repeat of what I already know about nutrition and the Weight Watchers program.  However, I really don't see instruction as the reason that I need to go to these meetings.  I believe that it's the routine of getting on that scale and seeing the numbers written down by someone else.  That part feels good or bad depending on how the week went, but overall it's probably the main reason I go.  I paid nine bucks for the meeting though, so I might as well stay for the whole meeting.  Loony Loni, just becomes light entertainment at this point, and I try to keep that pride tucked inside.  The pride I take in myself that I know the program better than she does......but I just won't say anything. 

Eating was fantastic this week.  I renewed my love affair with fruits and vegetables and I didn't go to bed hungry once this week.  Another really good discovery was that I enjoy the afternoon power nap.  Instead of eating I chose to nap and that really helped. 

The second part of my plan was to walk daily.  Now this part I slacked on a little.  I didn't walk my four mile trek on the treadmill daily.  However, I did make extra trips up and down stairs.  I walked to my piano lesson, walked to church, and parked farther away when I went shopping.  I did do some walking on the treadmill but not enough to be really significant.  That will change this week, because I don't want to lose any momentum.

The third portion of my plan was to learn Yoga.  I did some YouTube research and found that there are many directions you can go with the practice of Yoga.  A great many instructors, talk a lot during the session and focus mainly on the positions and the physical or Hatha Yoga.  As much as I want to learn Hatha Yoga, and strengthen my body, I want to focus more on the part of Yoga that takes my mind and transports it to a peaceful place.  I have a lot of anxiety and I really want Yoga to help me cope with that anxiety.  So I decided to buy a book to read about the more spiritual side of Yoga and I believe that I have found a most excellent book.  It's called Yoga, The Spirit and Practice of Moving Into Stillness by Erich Schiffmann. 

 This man seems to be a bit on the "kooky" side but he has a really good perspective and his ideals and philosophies coincide with my core beliefs and beliefs in the gospel.  Hence a good fit.  I am only half way through his book at this moment, but I can tell you it's a read that is really worth it.  I am finding new ways to focus and become more sensitive.  I haven't learned any Yoga poses so far, that comes a little later, but the meditation and breathing that is the basis of Yoga, I am learning and it's already making a difference.  So this week, I plan to continue reading my book and I plan to meditate daily.  Tough goal when I have three kids that never leave me alone, but they will have to learn to leave me alone. 

So here I go into my week two of a "old" new way of living.  I am currently moving into stillness, but loudly because I feel like I don't know what I am doing and I am moving very clumsily, but I know that things get better with practice. 

Sense of Self

I am lost.  I feel hopeless and my self esteem is rock bottom.  I know that having self esteem is important.  I believe that part of gaining self esteem includes working for others, because being entirely selfish is not what our Heavenly Father wants for us.  At this point in my life I am only preventing myself from being fully engaged in my endeavors to serve others though.  Right now I wake up in the morning completely aware of my weight.  I know that sounds weird but it's true.  I usually sleep on my side or my belly, so when I wake in the morning I can feel my body take up extra space.  When I walk to the bathroom to do my morning commode visit, I feel my heart immediately start beating like it's doing something hard, and my feet and back ache instantly. 

At this point in my life, I am the heaviest that I believe I have ever been, without carrying a child in my uterus.  Even taking that into consideration I am just a few pounds shy of my child bearing weight peak.  What is this weight doing to me?  I am turning into a hermit.  I do not like to go into public.  In fact it's completely preventing me from going on any type of vacation to see friends, relatives or people that I am familiar with.  I am even having a hard time going to church.  You see, I don't fit into any of my dresses.  I had to buy two new skirts and shirts this last week so that I could go to church dressed appropriately.  I have only one pair of jeans that fit me and I don't like wearing any of my blouses because they all reveal rolls and back fat that I am ashamed of.  My best friend told me once, that it's always worse than we see it.......well I see it pretty bad, so I am completely disgusted with myself at this point. 

Recently my obese father has had a batch of bad health, and my aunt (his sister) was diagnosed with colon cancer.  Now I understand that colon cancer is not a byproduct of obesity but cancer in general can be a result of not taking care of yourself.  I am not going to play stupid and say that this is not a result of just pure laziness.  Because that is exactly what this is.

I over ate and I didn't exercise.  As a result I weigh 180 pounds.

Now here is the thing, I want to be around a while.  My husband and I have plans.  We want to grow old together, travel, and have fun.  I don't want to end up locked in my bedroom day in and day out because I feel bad and I am too unhealthy to take a walk up a mountainside.

I didn't write this blog for anyone to tell me that they feel sorry for me, that it's not that bad, or to have any external pats on my back.  In fact I don't have any subscribers to this blog.  I personally prefer it that way.  But the aspect that anyone could read this, and the fact that I have "out loud" said the things that have been haunting my thoughts, has brought to the forefront this ongoing problem.  This situation, that is continually staring me in the face and for some unknown reason I can not motivate myself to get out of. 

So here is what I am going to do about this.

• I plan to blog weekly my progress. This seems to help me become self aware and also helps me hold myself accountable to myself above all others.  It's a way for me to vocalize what I am so good at hiding and denying. 
• Next, I am going back to Weight Watchers.  It's a program that I know works.  It's not a fad diet.  It's a training program to help motivate you make correct choices in your food.  The new program scares me, because after two weeks of trying it before I noticed a lack of weight loss.  I am hoping that by going to the meetings rather than trying the program alone and online that I will understand the program better and feel more suppport.  One of the problems with trying to do a weight loss program on your own, is you lack the "buddy system".  That peer pressure that comes from sitting in a room full of people trying to accomplish the same thing as you.  I knew this concept to be true before but I seem to have shoved that in the back corners of my mind along with my self control.

• I plan to walk every day.  Because currently my weight is the highest it's ever been, I need to take it slow.  My knee does not handle excess weight well.  So I plan to do just a 30 min walk for a week to start.  Next week I will bump the time up 15 minutes, than another 15 minutes, until I am walking for 60 minutes.  Than I plan to add a running lap and then two and so on.  Eventually leading up to running 5K every day or 60 minutes whichever works.

• I plan to start a yoga workout.  I have such high anxiety that I need to center my self and breathe.  Having a workout that will remind me to do that will be nice.  I do need to add some resistance training into my workout regime as well.  I am not getting any younger, and strengthening my muscles and my bones will only benefit my health as I get older.  So I hope to find some beginner's dvd's sometime very soon, like today. 

• I have taken some current pictures of myself and plan to use them to track my progress visually.  I hope that this ads an additional push.  Maybe one day I will feel confident enough to share them but as for now they are for my eyes only.

So here is my soft spot, my vulnerability, my weakness, my insecurity right here on the world wide web.  I am not looking to anyone but myself for strength, although I do see strength in others and draw from it.   I do know that I have what it takes to make my goal a reality.  I do know that I have the strength within to be happy and to make a change.  I must make this goal a reality so that I can move forward in my life with zeal and not be embarrassed and shamed into staying indoors and away from people.  This is my moment to show what I can do.

I Am Ashamed

Here it is my confessional.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

I have been gluttonous and it is showing.

 

Okay it's here in writing so that I can move forward and make my goals known so that I am accountable.  Even if I am the only one reading this. 

Starting Weight: 166

Today's Weight: 171

Weight Loss so far:  +5

YES I have gained.  Here's why.  I chose to eat out as frequently as I could.  I was sick and didn't feel energetic or well so I ate out, which in turn made me feel worse.   It's a terrible cycle. High fat, not choosing to pick healthy choices.  I figured what the hell and went there.  I also chose to eat sweets.  You know the kind; candy, candy, some pop, a cookie or cake here and there, and more candy.  What a slippery slope.

While laying in bed last Sunday morning next to my wonderful and equally vexed husband we patted our bellies and decided enough was enough. 

Here's how I plan to fix it. 

Go back on plan.  Which means, eating breakfast, low calorie and low fat meals.  Eating the correct proportions and not completely depriving myself so that I don't binge.  Get my veggies back in my diet and stop eating after 9:00 p.m. 

Next step to my plan, walk/run for 60 minutes at least 4x a week. 

William got me a new pair of running shoes that will make this portion of my plan much more achievable. 

For the last little while I have been buying really cheap cross trainers and thinking that they would be sufficient.  To my dismay they have been horrible.  Not only do my walks feel forced and extremely exerting but they also HURT!!  

Since my new shoes have entered my life my walks feel much more do-able.   

First goal is to lose 10% of my total weight.  Puts me at 154.  I plan to reach this goal by the end of May.  2 lbs a week is an achievable goal. 

As for my bad attitude.  I know that this is not a matter of will power but a matter of my attitude about myself and what I want to accomplish. 

I know how it feels to be at 135 and I know how it feels to e 171.  This is not a vanity thing.  It's not that I don't think I look good,  although having back fat is not something that I relish.  This is about feeling good.  I feel the difference and I don't feel good.  I feel slothful and slow.  I feel sluggish and depressed.  I am sick of feeling this way it's not in my nature.   

So I am off and running. 

Troubling Trio

Starting Weight: 166 lbs

Today's Weight: 159.5 lbs

Weight Loss this week: +1.5 lbs

Total Weight Loss: 6.5 lbs

Okay I am up.  But I know why!!!

I had a horrible, terrible, freakish, hellish week.

Here is where the troubling trio started.

Monday started off great, but kids around here were sick.  I had to make a cake for Sydney's tenth birthday.  Which by the way turned out looking like a butt instead of a book.  I really didn't have my heart in it.  Coloring fondant is a whole lot different than coloring icing.  But I will save that story for my other blog.  I resisted the cake honestly.  I only had half a slice that night. 

But then...........Tuesday.

Elizabeth had surgery on Tuesday.  A tooth needed to be removed (again a story for the other blog), but that lead to me lounging on the couch on Tuesday with hurting daughter and lazy kids. 

The laziness did not stop there, I started getting really lethargic and decided that my need to be all good this week was going to take a back seat.  Which led to some binging on Saturday. 

Then I started my period.  YUCK!!!  I always gain the first couple of days of my period.  Bloating and eating and feeling like crap.  So there you are.

My Troubling trio: Cake, Laziness, Period!

Hence the slight weight gain which hopefully will be gone by next week. 

To be honest I was really planning on not blogging about this, and just skipping this week.  But I made a commitment.  Even when things look bad I will stick it out.  That way I don't fling myself off the wagon. 



Out with the New and in with the Old

Starting weight: 166 lbs

Today's weight: 158 lbs

Total Weight loss: 8 lbs

I made it to the 150's.  Phew!  More than anything its a relief.  I have been hovering in the 160 range for close to a year now and it's great to be out of there. 

Here's the deal.  I stopped using the new WW plan and went back on their old plan.  Weight Watchers has the right idea, reduce carbs and increase protein to eliminate the craving for high carb snacks, while making smarter choices like fruit and veggies.  The problem that I have with their new plan....it stopped taking account of calorie intake.  Bad Bad Bad.  I still know for a fact that if you take in more calories than you burn in a day, you will gain weight.  So the trick is to take in less calories than you burn while keeping an eye on the foods that you take in so that you get your macro nutrients that aide in your overall health.  Therefore, I went back on the old WW plan that tracks calories, fat and fiber and kept in mind to include lots of protein in my diet.  IT WORKED!!!  4 pounds this week alone.  Now I say that is an improvement.  I didn't exercise this week either I wanted to make sure that the diet was going to work.  So all I did was play volleyball twice this week and stayed off the treadmill.  This week I will add the treadmill again and see what I can do this week. 

So the "Out with the New In with the Old" is a promise two fold.  Out with the new WW Plan, and in with the Old WW Plan.  Out with the new "fat clothes" and back in the old clothes.  I am definitely back on track. 

Stop the Insanity!

I am not sure if I am the only one who remembers those commercials in the eighties.  A really fit woman with very short blonde hair clenches her fists in frustration and screams into the camera, "Stop the Insanity".  Then this woman that you would kill if you could, starts talking about her exercise program.  Well right now, if I had that woman in my face I think I would grab her by the nose and scream right back in her face. 

Starting weight: 166 lbs

Today's weight: 162 lbs

Total weight loss: 4 lbs

I realize that I should be happy.  I am four pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago.  However, I had a goal this week to reach the 150's and it didn't happen.  WHY?  Well I have a theory.  Weight Watcher's new program and basically it involves my intake of more fiber and protein and less carbs and fat.  Well I am used a low fat diet, but generally I didn't pay attention to the carbs I was taking in.  NOW  I am having a very hard time taking in all "points" that I am supposed to in a day.  I think I am slowing down my metabolism.  Go figure. 

I will continue my daily walks which last week were at 2.5 miles.  This week I will increase my time to an hour and that should yield me about 3.8 miles.  I plan to just walk this week because I want to give my calves and thighs a chance to acclamate. I fell off my 4 mile wagon and now I am building it back up.  Volleyball is still in my exercise routine, although sometimes it doesn't seem to really be EXERCISE. 

My goal is going to remain one and the same for this week. 

GET TO THE 150's!

Insanity woman, Stay out of my Way!

Back to the Beginning

My health didn't take a front seat until after I had my third child. I finally realized that I had to be proactive. I joined Weight Watchers and went to the meetings religiously. After a short ten months I lost over forty pounds and I felt better than I ever had. I had never been so thin. I really loved it. I joined Curves and kept the weight off for the better part of four years.

BUT.....

yes there is a but. Last year an evil demon crept up inside me and it kept telling me that I could eat this because I wasn't going to get fat eating just one gallon of ice cream. Okay okay it wasn't an evil demon and okay it wasn't just ONE gallon of ice cream. Little by little I got heavier and heavier till about a month ago I got sick of it. I got sick of my clothes not fitting anymore, sick of getting winded walking up my stairs, sick of my scale screaming at me to "GET OFF!" My dear sweet husband agreed that he was having the same demonic possession and we decided it was time to start being proactive again.

My motivations have changed since my last weight loss journey. Back then I wanted to look good and frankly see if I could even do it. This time around, I know I can do it so I feel even more pressure to lose the weight because I know I have done it before. I know what to do. I know what works. Crap......now I actually have to do something.

I started Weight Watchers again, only this time I am doing it online instead of attending the meetings. WW switched up their program recently and so it feels somewhat new, but the purpose is the same, train yourself to eat the right things and get out of the frame of mind that it's a diet. It's not a diet, it's a way of life.

So I am off and running.

This blog is for me more than anyone else. It's for me to keep myself accountable. This blog is so that I can write down my triumphs and frustrations. It's a way for me to journal my experience while I encourage myself and others that this body is the only one I get. I don't believe in reincarnation. I believe that I have one chance at this life, and God gave me one body to do it in. It's my responsibility to keep this body fit and maintained so that I can make it to the end. So unless I am wrong and come back as a monkey, a snake, or luck out and come back as an elusive unicorn I am going to do my best to take care of what I have.

So here is my first accountable stats.

1-21-11

Starting Weight: 166 lbs (1-9-11)

Today's Weight: 162 lbs

Weeks Weight Loss - Well nothing since this is my first Blog. DUH

Total Weight Loss: 4 lbs

UGH, when I put them down on paper and know someone out there will see it, it makes me cringe. But I can do this. Breathe in Breath out.

The People on the bus go up and down up and down up and down.