Dissapointed, Discouraged, Yet Determined!

This week really started off on a high note.....I thought that after last weeks accomplishment this week would be just as easy.  I feel I was a little misty eyed. 

Starting Weight: 177.8

Today's Weight 171.4

Loss This week:  .8

Total Loss:  6.5

Although I haven't had any mishaps.  No binges, no late night sneaks (which were really never my problem), No eating after 9:00.  The progress seems to be slower than I would like, or rather than I am used to.  When I did WW before, it seemed like the weight would just fall off.  However, I think because I am older it's not happening as easily or as fast.  Part of it could be my metabolism slowing down, which I have tried to pick back up with making sure I drink plenty of water and no skipping meals, but yet my body is sluggish when it comes to wanting to let go of this weight that I am so anxious to unload.  Another contributor to my slow progress is my lack of muscle tone.  I have let my body go to a state of pure fluff so to speak, and the muscles are taking a little while remembering that I actually used to be pretty fit.

I looked at my past weight loss history from the first journey of 50 pounds and found that it has a similar pattern. Two weeks of a minimal weight loss with a spike of 3-5 pounds in a week.  And I lost that weight in just nine months time.  So after attending my "AA" Meeting which is more like "WW" meeting.  I feel encouraged and feel that I must keep moving forward.  I must learn to be patient.  Things will happen at the pace that is good for my body. 

I already feel better.  My "fat" jeans fit me better.  I look forward to fitting into my size 6 clothes that I have,  but for now I am content with feeling good. 

 My weight loss buddie, my husband, is also having success.  Together we have lost 13 lbs.  He had an idea yesterday that involved us putting a dollar into a jar for every pound that we lose and when we reach goal taking that money to do something fun.  Another motivator.     

So I am ready for another week to vanquish. 

Moving Into Stillness - Loudly

Well this was a good week.

New Beginning: 177.8 lbs

Current Weight: 172.4 lbs

Loss this week: 5.4 lbs

So as you can see so far so good.  I stuck to my plan.  I went to Weight Watchers and started over.  Some of me resists the idea of going to those meetings.  My resistance stems from the sense of pride that I have deep within that rises to the surface when I sit in those meetings.  It's not a good pride, it's a bad pride.  The instructor, we'll call her Loony Loni, is a very sweet woman, but really is just well......loony. 

I have a really hard time taking instruction from her, because she isn't teaching me anything new and interesting.  The classes are all a repeat of what I already know about nutrition and the Weight Watchers program.  However, I really don't see instruction as the reason that I need to go to these meetings.  I believe that it's the routine of getting on that scale and seeing the numbers written down by someone else.  That part feels good or bad depending on how the week went, but overall it's probably the main reason I go.  I paid nine bucks for the meeting though, so I might as well stay for the whole meeting.  Loony Loni, just becomes light entertainment at this point, and I try to keep that pride tucked inside.  The pride I take in myself that I know the program better than she does......but I just won't say anything. 

Eating was fantastic this week.  I renewed my love affair with fruits and vegetables and I didn't go to bed hungry once this week.  Another really good discovery was that I enjoy the afternoon power nap.  Instead of eating I chose to nap and that really helped. 

The second part of my plan was to walk daily.  Now this part I slacked on a little.  I didn't walk my four mile trek on the treadmill daily.  However, I did make extra trips up and down stairs.  I walked to my piano lesson, walked to church, and parked farther away when I went shopping.  I did do some walking on the treadmill but not enough to be really significant.  That will change this week, because I don't want to lose any momentum.

The third portion of my plan was to learn Yoga.  I did some YouTube research and found that there are many directions you can go with the practice of Yoga.  A great many instructors, talk a lot during the session and focus mainly on the positions and the physical or Hatha Yoga.  As much as I want to learn Hatha Yoga, and strengthen my body, I want to focus more on the part of Yoga that takes my mind and transports it to a peaceful place.  I have a lot of anxiety and I really want Yoga to help me cope with that anxiety.  So I decided to buy a book to read about the more spiritual side of Yoga and I believe that I have found a most excellent book.  It's called Yoga, The Spirit and Practice of Moving Into Stillness by Erich Schiffmann. 

 This man seems to be a bit on the "kooky" side but he has a really good perspective and his ideals and philosophies coincide with my core beliefs and beliefs in the gospel.  Hence a good fit.  I am only half way through his book at this moment, but I can tell you it's a read that is really worth it.  I am finding new ways to focus and become more sensitive.  I haven't learned any Yoga poses so far, that comes a little later, but the meditation and breathing that is the basis of Yoga, I am learning and it's already making a difference.  So this week, I plan to continue reading my book and I plan to meditate daily.  Tough goal when I have three kids that never leave me alone, but they will have to learn to leave me alone. 

So here I go into my week two of a "old" new way of living.  I am currently moving into stillness, but loudly because I feel like I don't know what I am doing and I am moving very clumsily, but I know that things get better with practice. 

Sense of Self

I am lost.  I feel hopeless and my self esteem is rock bottom.  I know that having self esteem is important.  I believe that part of gaining self esteem includes working for others, because being entirely selfish is not what our Heavenly Father wants for us.  At this point in my life I am only preventing myself from being fully engaged in my endeavors to serve others though.  Right now I wake up in the morning completely aware of my weight.  I know that sounds weird but it's true.  I usually sleep on my side or my belly, so when I wake in the morning I can feel my body take up extra space.  When I walk to the bathroom to do my morning commode visit, I feel my heart immediately start beating like it's doing something hard, and my feet and back ache instantly. 

At this point in my life, I am the heaviest that I believe I have ever been, without carrying a child in my uterus.  Even taking that into consideration I am just a few pounds shy of my child bearing weight peak.  What is this weight doing to me?  I am turning into a hermit.  I do not like to go into public.  In fact it's completely preventing me from going on any type of vacation to see friends, relatives or people that I am familiar with.  I am even having a hard time going to church.  You see, I don't fit into any of my dresses.  I had to buy two new skirts and shirts this last week so that I could go to church dressed appropriately.  I have only one pair of jeans that fit me and I don't like wearing any of my blouses because they all reveal rolls and back fat that I am ashamed of.  My best friend told me once, that it's always worse than we see it.......well I see it pretty bad, so I am completely disgusted with myself at this point. 

Recently my obese father has had a batch of bad health, and my aunt (his sister) was diagnosed with colon cancer.  Now I understand that colon cancer is not a byproduct of obesity but cancer in general can be a result of not taking care of yourself.  I am not going to play stupid and say that this is not a result of just pure laziness.  Because that is exactly what this is.

I over ate and I didn't exercise.  As a result I weigh 180 pounds.

Now here is the thing, I want to be around a while.  My husband and I have plans.  We want to grow old together, travel, and have fun.  I don't want to end up locked in my bedroom day in and day out because I feel bad and I am too unhealthy to take a walk up a mountainside.

I didn't write this blog for anyone to tell me that they feel sorry for me, that it's not that bad, or to have any external pats on my back.  In fact I don't have any subscribers to this blog.  I personally prefer it that way.  But the aspect that anyone could read this, and the fact that I have "out loud" said the things that have been haunting my thoughts, has brought to the forefront this ongoing problem.  This situation, that is continually staring me in the face and for some unknown reason I can not motivate myself to get out of. 

So here is what I am going to do about this.

• I plan to blog weekly my progress. This seems to help me become self aware and also helps me hold myself accountable to myself above all others.  It's a way for me to vocalize what I am so good at hiding and denying. 
• Next, I am going back to Weight Watchers.  It's a program that I know works.  It's not a fad diet.  It's a training program to help motivate you make correct choices in your food.  The new program scares me, because after two weeks of trying it before I noticed a lack of weight loss.  I am hoping that by going to the meetings rather than trying the program alone and online that I will understand the program better and feel more suppport.  One of the problems with trying to do a weight loss program on your own, is you lack the "buddy system".  That peer pressure that comes from sitting in a room full of people trying to accomplish the same thing as you.  I knew this concept to be true before but I seem to have shoved that in the back corners of my mind along with my self control.

• I plan to walk every day.  Because currently my weight is the highest it's ever been, I need to take it slow.  My knee does not handle excess weight well.  So I plan to do just a 30 min walk for a week to start.  Next week I will bump the time up 15 minutes, than another 15 minutes, until I am walking for 60 minutes.  Than I plan to add a running lap and then two and so on.  Eventually leading up to running 5K every day or 60 minutes whichever works.

• I plan to start a yoga workout.  I have such high anxiety that I need to center my self and breathe.  Having a workout that will remind me to do that will be nice.  I do need to add some resistance training into my workout regime as well.  I am not getting any younger, and strengthening my muscles and my bones will only benefit my health as I get older.  So I hope to find some beginner's dvd's sometime very soon, like today. 

• I have taken some current pictures of myself and plan to use them to track my progress visually.  I hope that this ads an additional push.  Maybe one day I will feel confident enough to share them but as for now they are for my eyes only.

So here is my soft spot, my vulnerability, my weakness, my insecurity right here on the world wide web.  I am not looking to anyone but myself for strength, although I do see strength in others and draw from it.   I do know that I have what it takes to make my goal a reality.  I do know that I have the strength within to be happy and to make a change.  I must make this goal a reality so that I can move forward in my life with zeal and not be embarrassed and shamed into staying indoors and away from people.  This is my moment to show what I can do.